OPINION - Depression and Christian faith

I had realised my dream of studying at Cambridge, and the world was supposedly full of exciting possibilities. I had loved the last few years - the familiarity and security of education, and the relative protection of a college system.

Suddenly, I was faced with contemplating the huge scariness of the unknown - life beyond university.

Graduation was a scarier prospect for me than final exams. I felt unable to count down days, and put off applying to register to try and calm my nerves. In an attempt not to think of the future, I became even busier, taking on extra responsibilities.

This worked at first. But soon I was experiencing sleepless nights. These, of course, affected my productivity and mood, which trapped me in a vicious cycle. I was being dragged down and down into a gulf of depression; isolating me from others and sapping enjoyment from life.

I was being dragged down and down into a gulf of depression; isolating me from others and sapping enjoyment from life.

Into this despair and hopelessness, Jesus came. Amidst the unknowns, I felt like I was searching for something to provide a way out from current stresses or future fear, or - as it turned out - someone.

My feeble searching and call out into the night (prayer without realising) were heard and answered. On February 9th 2015, on the back of a missions week with the invitation ‘What are you searching for?’, but part of a much longer journey, I came to faith, having said in the middle of the night a month before, ‘I believe in Jesus’. A month later, I did.

Far from a quick panacea to make myself feel better, little did I know that it was the start of a friendship and relationship like one I had never had before, and indeed will never have one equal to. In Christ, I found my best friend; my chief comforter, counsellor and confidante (though trusting God with my life took and sometimes takes a bit of getting used to – loss of full control over my life can be scary, but also is increasingly liberating).

Here was someone to be alongside me when I was struggling, who knew me intimately and loved me deeply. Most of all, joy which had been elusive and peace which had been non-existent for a while, returned. For me, a powerful verse which gripped me from the talks I went along to was John 10:10 'I have come so you may have life, and life to the full'. I’m still exploring what that verse means, and life definitely has its ups and downs, but it reminds me to focus on life now and living the best one I can.

Depression has returned several times over the years, triggered by change, loss and othering. Faith has sustained me through the darkest times. I have to say, how Christianity is presented or preached about isn’t always helpful. Focusing on eternal life and the hope found within that is all well and good (I often treasure that truth) but when you've got to the point of not wanting to live anymore and just wanting to be with God, it isn't the most helpful thing to be that forward thinking.

Into this despair and hopelessness, Jesus came.

The Psalms are more relatable as several highlight the distress or despondency of the writers in their respective situations but within that, they are able to centre back on God and God’s goodness, mercy and sovereignty, reminding themselves God is in control.

Something I followed for a time and found helpful in times of depression was making a list of things I was thankful to God for that day; a challenge in my lowest moods sometimes, but a good way to remind myself of the smallest gifts present in my life when things overall were difficult.

Jesus himself experienced the depths of human emotions; he endured unimaginable suffering on the cross and in the events leading up to his death. He grieved the death of his friend Lazarus and the abandonment by his disciples. He understands our deepest needs. While occasionally, I either wish God would leave me alone (most of the time, it is a comfort to know there is nowhere I can go where God is not; read Psalm 139) or feel abandoned by or distant to God, quite quickly, God speaks through others, through Scripture or directly to remind me God loves me, unconditionally.

I take comfort that in the ‘dark night of the soul’ (that John of the Cross describes, and depression very much feels like sometimes); in the emptiness of the abyss of depression or when facing overwhelming pain, God speaks directly into this experience. The Psalmist states ‘even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you’ (Psalm 139: 12).

Jesus Christ is a wounded healer (Henri Nouwen wrote a lot on this aspect of Christ) and it is something I hope I will become too. Though living with or going through periods of depression is draining and difficult, I have resolved to use my bad experiences for good; I volunteer, supporting young people in hospital for mental health related reasons, and sometimes participate in lived experience opportunities with mental health charities.

Continued below...

You can be a Christian with a deep faith and love of God and still experience mental illness. It doesn't mean you don't have enough faith, are a bad Christian or are not praying hard enough. Experiencing suicidal thoughts does not mean you’re in communication with the Devil. Self harm is not a sin (these are all things which can be harmfully said or implied to those struggling with their mental health).

God hasn't sent you the suffering you’re experiencing, nor have you caused it yourself (reasons for mental illness are complex). Sometimes, you might be healed but healing doesn’t necessarily equate with ‘being cured’ and symptoms of mental illness can and do recur. Recovery and living with mental illness looks different for everyone. It isn't sent as a test of your resilience or strength or faith, though mental illness or ill health can seem like a battle sometimes. Those who struggle with their mental health can be some of the most resilient people I know (though for those who hold a particular definition of resilience, aren't always seen as such). However, it is important and OK to receive support from mental health professionals. I worried I might be judged for doing so (by some, I was).

You can be a Christian with a deep faith and love of God and still experience mental illness.

Prayers, devotional encouragement (I follow UCB Word for you Today), the writings of other Christians, both past and present (Catholic spirituality is particularly rich; several of the writers have clearly experienced emotional pain or mental torment), choral or worship music and ministry of anointing are such encouragement to me personally, particularly in times of depression, alongside spending time in God's creation, watching feel-good TV shows and if possible travelling.

But I've also at times sought professional mental health support in the form of therapy. Personally, I chose not to take medication but want to acknowledge that can be an important step in recovery or in managing mental illness for others. While the field of psychological wellbeing can at times still view pastoral ministry and faith with suspicion or misunderstand it (and vice versa sometimes too), increasingly people's faith and/or spirituality is taken into account and viewed holistically during any treatment and the role of chaplains and pastoral ministry of parish priests given due importance. Particularly, where harmful theology or church related trauma has contributed to someone's deterioration in mental health, how or whether faith is included in mental health care is important to consider.

Christians are called to be in relationship with one another and look out for one another. Many churches do this well and there are a number of charities promoting how to have good conversations about wellbeing and supporting those with poor mental health or mental illness in church (see a few in the links below), but we must not cease from reaching in and checking in, as sometimes (I have been there), reaching out, particularly where no one is free to listen, becomes too hard to do.

Christians are called to be in relationship with one another and look out for one another.

So to reiterate… No, being a Christian doesn't mean life suddenly gets easier or all your problems get whisked away (indeed, it can seem the opposite sometimes). Yes, Christians can and do experience depression and mental illness, and how good a Christian you are or how much faith you have (if we should even consider that question) does not hinge/depend on that fact.

Sometimes it is necessary to seek mental health support and we can find various coping strategies and activities to help us flourish and thrive in our lives (these need not all be spiritual). But having a relationship with Christ gives me courage to try new things and explore new places; reminds me even when others are distant that I'm never alone, and gives me grace to keep persevering when times are tough and hold onto hope found in Christ. I hope it might offer the same for you.

Helpful Resources

Mind and Soul Foundation

Sanctuary Mental Health

Samaritans

Kintsugi Hope

Papyrus UK

Mind

If you’re in a life-threatening emergency or serious crisis or are feeling unsafe (or if you know someone who is), please contact 999 immediately. If you’re struggling with depression or experiencing poor mental health and need help, contact your GP or have a look on the NHS website for any self referral mental health support services in your area. Safe havens are located across the country and are places where people in emotional crisis or really struggling with their mental health can go to seek support and be in a safe space to de-escalate.